Alias Skip Hanford

Just got word that my first erotic story (under the name Skip Hanford) to the anthology “Rule 34, Vol. 2.” I’ll keep you posted.

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Stuck on you for Friday Flash Fics, September 14, 2018 by Jeff Baker

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                                                        It Takes a Licking  

                                                               By Jeff Baker

                                   

            “Okay, it’s ringing.”

            “Yegggh. Whmmm he answrrr, lmmmme tkaaahum!”

            “Hello? Zav! Yeah! It’s me, Barry! Look, uh, I think we may have gotten those instructions messed up. You know the love potion?”

            “Lmmmmme tkaaahummmm!”

            “Well, yeah, it said ‘To Make You Yummy To Him’ on the label. Yeah, I poured some in his coffee and I drank the rest…oh, really? I was the only one who was supposed to drink it? Just a couple of drops in my own coffee?”

            “Stouffa muggafoocha!”

            “Huh? No, Nick didn’t say someone mugged his poodle. Listen, those instructions kind of got scrunched-up in the mail. I’m just glad the bottle was plastic. Look, I…okay. Side effects? If two people both drink too much of the potion and have contact? Stuck to each other? You mean if someone was to lick the other one, his tongue would be stuck to, the other’s face or something?” 

            “Murrrg! Flurrrb! Mooooooofffff!”

            “Yeah. Yeah. That’s what happened. Yes. No, just his tongue. To the side of my face. Stop laughing for a minute. Okay, I’ll wait. Okay. What? I’ll ask. Nick, Zavid wants to know what I tasted like.”

            “MMMMMMMMPH! Glurrrg!”

            “Calm down! Calm down! Look, he asked! Maybe it’ll help.”

            “Puppamunk”

            “Heffalump?”

            “Puppa. Munk.”

            “Oh! Oh! Peppermint! He says peppermint.”

            “Mmmmmph.”

            “Okay. You didn’t need to know that, you were just curious. Look, we paid a hundred bucks for this stuff! We could report you to the Sorcerer’s…huh? No, just the tongue is stuck. What’s that? It’ll wear off? How long?”

            “Murrrgffffthh!”

            “Um, about six hours. Okay. He was going to be here all night anyway. Anything else?”

            “Rofunk! Rofunk!”

            “Nick wants to know about a refund…hello?”

 

                                    —end—

 

AUTHOR’s Note: My Hubby pointed out the similarity to this and a scene in “A Christmas Story.” Me, I think it sounds like a very bizarre Bob Newhart routine. —-jb

 

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“A Traffic In Dollars,” by Jeff Baker. September entry for the Monthly Flash Fiction Draw Challenge.

NOTE: This month’s Flash Fiction Draw results were a suspense story set at a border crossing involving a bag of money. This reminded me of the old radio show “Suspense,” which put me in mind of the old “Radio Mystery Theater” from the 70s and 80s. If you never heard it, it was a somewhat old-fashioned revival of radio drama that was nonetheless a big hit with the younger crowd (like me!) So, our mystery drama written especially for the Monthly Flash Fiction Draw Challenge is…

 

A Traffic In Dollars

By Jeff Baker

 

They’d been careful, oh so careful. Stuck to the speed limits, turned the truck headlights on a half-hour before dusk, and made certain to signal before changing lanes. Even though this section of old Highway 66 wasn’t the main highway anymore, they had reasons to be careful.

About a million reasons.

“About three hours to Springfield and we’ll be home free,” George said.

“If we stay free,” Betty said. “Just mind your driving. They decommissioned this highway a few years ago but that doesn’t mean they don’t still have police in some of these little towns.”

“Relax, Doll,” George said, doing his best Bogie. “We made it through Oklahoma City and Tulsa okay, didn’t we?”

“That’s only because I was driving,” Betty said. “Look, what’s that signpost up ahead?”

“Trucks use right lane,” George read. “Inspection and weigh station, State of Oklahoma. What’s that?”

“How long have you been driving a truck, anyway?” Betty asked.

“Since we got it at the Texas border,” George said. “Just keep your purse to one side. Maybe they won’t look in it.”

“It’s a weigh station, not customs,” she said. The purse, one of those old, leathery affairs that looked like a bag lay at her feet. It was filled with one-thousand dollar bills, their take from a clever scheme down in Texas. All they had to do was meet up with Charlie in Springfield to have the bills changed into more conventional tender, since regular consumers were not allowed denominations over one hundred. And turn in the rent-a-truck.

George pulled right as the uniformed state trooper finished inspecting an eighteen-wheeler ahead of them. George and Betty had some carefully-forged documents identifying them as part of a non-profit charity. Their drivers’ licenses were likewise forgeries. A few pleasantries and they learned that the troopers were looking for out-of-state drug smugglers. Betty made a reference to only getting high on doing the Lord’s work, and the trooper began his inspection.

The only thing missing from the trooper, Betty thought, was one of those big brimmed hats and maybe Burt Reynolds, bare armed, leaning against the side of the truck making snarky comments. The trooper did have a gun, though she noted as the man bent over and rubbed the tires with a hand and proceeded to walk around in a crouch, carefully eyeing the underside of the truck as he walked from one end to the other, He signaled to George to open the hood and conducted a thorough inspection of the engine, doubtlessly checking for hiding places. He slammed the hood shut and walked over to the passenger side window.

“Okay, I’ll need you both to step out of the cab and…what’s in that bag?”

George eyed Betty for an imperceptible instant, then Betty reached into the bag and pulled out two white, cottony packets.

“Just these,” she said. “I may be a liberated lady but I still have to…”

“That’s okay!” the trooper said. “I have a wife and two teenaged daughters. I understand all about that. But I still have to check your load.”

He led them to the back of the truck and watched George unlock the doors and then the trooper climbed inside. George and Betty had to have a load and the mattresses had fit the bill. They filled the box, standing on their sides, leaning to one side. The trooper edged between the mattresses, examining them carefully.

“We’re taking them to Springfield,” Betty said. “Our church group is setting up there to help homeless kids.”

“Well, I’m satisfied,” the trooper said climbing down to the ground. “Lock it back up and you can get on your way.”

Maybe looking too eager, Betty and George moved to shut the two big doors. And that was when one mattress tipped and Betty saw it. She tried not to scream.

She and George got back into the truck, smiled pleasantly, said “Praise God” a couple of times and drove down the highway. A few miles down they turned into an alleyway.

“It couldn’t have been,” George said as he parked the truck out of sight.

“It was, I recognized that big ring with the fake ruby,” Betty said.

They pulled the back doors open and pushed the mattresses to one side. Sticking out of a hole in one mattress was a hand with a ruby ring. Charlie. He was no longer able to get anywhere under his own power.

“Charlie!” Betty gasped. “Dead! How?”

“The last time we saw him alive was at the trailer park,” George said.

“Wait,” Betty said. “The last time you or I saw him alive was in the trailer park. We weren’t together, remember?”

“Brrr!” George said. “Whoever took out Charlie could have knocked us off one by one! What if they followed us?”

“What if they didn’t have to follow us?” Betty said. “What if the killer…what if it’s one of us?”

They stared at the cab of the truck. They had no choice but to continue driving and maybe find a place to dispose of Charlie.

And hope the killer wouldn’t dispose of his or her remaining partner.

 

—end—

Posted in 'Nathan Burgoine, Fiction, Monthly Flash Fiction Draw Challenge, Mystery, Short-Stories, Suspense, Uncategorized | 5 Comments

A wild ride for Friday Flash Fics, September 7, 2018 by Jeff Baker

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The Wild Ride of Cormac O’Toole

                                                                 By Jeff Baker

 

            My Grandmother told me to avoid Summit Street. Especially after dark. It wasn’t in a bad part of town, just on the outskirts of Irvington, Kansas. That’s the little town right on the Kansas-Missouri border I grew up in. And it has a history.

            The Battle of Irvington took place on October 24, 1864 towards the end of the Civil War. Two groups of stragglers from Union and Confederate armies suddenly came across each other on the old Summit Road and started shooting at each other. Owing to the fact that they were tired and hadn’t eaten in two days they largely missed each other. That was until Cormac O’Toole, a young Private attached to Major Price as a messenger and assigned to locate the stragglers had the bad luck to find them. Two groups who couldn’t have hit the backside of a barn managed to fire at a moving target and blow off Private O’Toole’s head. Since then, on dark nights, a shadowy, headless figure on a horse has been seen riding down the old Summit Road (which became Summit Street)

            I was sixteen years old in the Fall of 1977 when Johnny Foster talked me into playing a trick on the people in town. He told me to bring some of our friends out to where Summit ran through the woods on the Kansas-Missouri border. Right around dusk. I knew Johnny so I got out there about an hour early and walked down the road calling out his name. The leaves were golden and a few of them were falling to the ground when I saw the dark figure amid the trees. It’s Kansas and we don’t have redwoods or anything, but the trees were tall and the shadows were long and it was getting close to Halloween. I stared. The figure was a man on a black horse. There was nothing above the upturned coat collar. I backed up a step as the horse and rider moved out from behind the trees. Then I took a more careful look. Something about the clothes…

            “Johnny Foster, you come right over here!” I yelled, trying not to sound as scared as I was. “Your wardrobe is about eighty years out-of-date for the Civil War! It looks like you got it for the Bicentennial!”

            I heard laughing and the rider pulled down his collar. Yeah, Johnny.

            “Whadya think?” Johnny said. “Think it’ll fool ‘em?”

            “Once it gets dark enough it might,” I said. “Where did you get the horse?”

            “My Dad’s cousin,” Johnny said. “He raises them. This one he put out to pasture a long time ago.” I walked up to them. The horse was old and a little out of shape, more suited to Don Quixote than Sleepy Hollow. And Johnny’s outfit was from some show they’d had the year before about the American Revolution. I was about to say something when the horse suddenly looked up. A cold wind started blowing and it got dark. I looked up; there was no storm, no clouds, nothing! Johnny and I stared at each other. Hoofbeats! Johnny’s horse whinnied in alarm.

            Before we could do anything a dark figure surged out of the darkness. A lean wild-eyed horse and a lean rider, both of them shadowy but distinct enough to see the rider had no head. And there was no long coat with a collar to conceal a head, just a grey military uniform. No braid, no hat.

            And no head.

            It didn’t stop. It raced right past us accompanied by a frigid breeze. It ran up the road and the wind swirled the leaves and the strange darkness enveloped the figure and faded. It was the same near-twilight as before. Johnny and I were breathing hard and so was the horse.

            Johnny returned the costume to the theater he’d gotten it from and must have ridden the horse back to his Dad’s cousin’s farm. Me, I ran home and locked the door behind me and stayed up that night with the lights on.

And I stayed away from where Summit Street stretches outside of town. When they routed the highway on the other side of Irvington stretching into Oklahoma and Missouri, I always took that, even if it was out of my way.

And I always tell my kids to stay off Summit Street outside of town. Especially after dark.

 

                                    —end—

           

                                   

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“Shine On Harvest Moon,” a reading by Angel Martinez

https://angelmartinezauthor.weebly.com/from-angels-cave/friday-reading-day-shine-on-harvest-moonThe fine writer Angel Martinez does a reading of my short story on her weekly Friday Reading Day podcast! Thanks for the kind words, Angel!

 

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Off on a Bike; Friday Flash Fiction for August 31, 2018 by Jeff Baker

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Sidetracked

By Michael J. Mayak

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is a prologue of sorts to a novel I was writing (under my pen-name) that I put to the side because it wasn’t working. At one point I thought I might try posting part of a chapter a week, but I lucked out onto the flash fiction thing. The picture put me in mind of James Velez, our main character, and his life before he borrowed a bike and roared off into a very strange place. So here is James in our world before things get very strange. —-jeff b.

 

“What do you think?” James said, adjusting the dark glasses and pulling up the gloves as he balanced on the silvery motorcycle.

“You look like the Fonz,” Victor said.

“What’s that?” Peralta asked. James rolled his eyes.

“When’s your brother coming back, man?” Victor asked.

“Not ‘till next Thursday,” James said.

“So, the bike’s yours ‘till then?”

“Long as Marc doesn’t find out about it!” James said grinning.

“Or your Mom & Dad,” Victor said.

“Long as I take a shower after the ride, they won’t find out a thing!” James said. “Nice of Marc to trust me with the keys to his garage as well as his apartment.”

Boots, jacket, helmet with visor, leather gloves. James was glad Marc’s things fit him.  He checked his watch; 2:30p.m. August. Senior year starts in two weeks. He grinned again and started the bike. He roared out of the driveway and turned onto the alley; no sense taking the chance of being seen if his Mom or Dad were driving around. A quick scoot down the alley and then onto the highway. Up the ramp, onto the bypass, the city spread out to one side, the wind roaring past. If it hadn’t been for the helmet laws, James would have left his (okay, Marc’s) helmet behind and let the wind blow through his hair.

James turned off just past the Brigman Street exit and the stretch of highway was flat and straight just outside of town. He signaled and turned down the dirt road flanked by tall bushes and headed to where he remembered the cabin was. It had been there since the highway was built.

He turned left at the fork in the dirt road, and then the blue swirling miasma of light surged up in front of him, from literally out of nowhere. No time to turn, swerve or brake. James and the bike roared into the light. He held on and felt himself bounced and shaken, air freezing on his exposed wrists, the sound of the motorcycle sounding like it was being played from the wrong end of a telescope. Then the blue swirl was gone, the bike hit the ground like after a bump and James jumped off, glad he knew how to roll. After a moment, he looked up. He could see the sun just over the trees. It looked strange. He looked through the visor; just a glance, his Dad’s warnings about looking directly at the sun playing through his head.

No mistake. There were two of them. Two suns. Smaller than usual, each side by side. James closed his eyes and pulled off the helmet. He shook his head to clear it. He looked around. No sign of the blue swirl in the air. He stood up and then stared at the ground.

One of them was very dim, the other dark and distinct. Two shadows. From two suns. Where the hell am I? he thought.

 

—end—

 

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Uncorking Friday Flash Fics for August 24, 2018, by Jeff Baker.

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                   Return For Deposit (Except in KY, IL, WI & NJ.)

                                                  By Jeff Baker

                               

            The bottle was glistening as it washed onto the beach, not just with water and sunlight but a shimmering golden swirl of tiny stars which quickly faded.

            I sighed. “See what I mean?”

            “What? You got a bottle, didn’t you?”

            “I keep getting bottles,” I said. “Look.”

            I picked up the bottle and popped it open. I pulled out the rolled-up parchment, cleared my throat and read:

            “Friends! You have an opportunity to make money at home! Ask me how!” I looked over and glared. “See?”

            “Uh, oh,” he said.

            “I thought I cast the right spell…” I said.

            “The one to summon a djinn?” he asked.

            “Yeah,” I said.  “This stuff is all I get.”

            “What do you do with the bottles?” he asked.

            “Toss ‘em over there,” I said. “In the pile.”

            “Careful you don’t break it. All that glass on a beach…” he said.

            “Indestructible bottles,” I said, tossing the latest bottle on the pile with a CLUNK!

            “Great!” he said.

            “Not great,” I said. “You ever try to recycle indestructible bottles?”

            He shook his head.

            I sighed again. “This isn’t my day.”

 

                                                —end—

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“The Road Less Travelled.” Friday Flash Fics for August 17, 2018 by Jeff Baker.

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The Road Less-Travelled

By Jeff Baker

 

“Over there. To your right,” I said. “That’s Alpha Centauri. About seven light years from here.”

“I see it. It’s a triple star, isn’t it?” Zac said.

“Yes, but you can’t make out Proxima Centauri unless you’re a lot closer.” I said.

“And there’s Sirius!” Zac said, pointing to a bright spot in the gathering dusk.

“One of the brightest stars in our sky,” I said staring upward.

We had spent that late afternoon wading and swimming in the river. Now that the sun had gone down it had gotten dark quickly.

“Hey, did you see Proxima Centauri when you came here from Earth?” Zac said.

“I wasn’t paying attention to things like that when I was about, what, four years old?” I said. “Anyway, we didn’t just shoot out to Procyon all at once. That would be a long trip! We stopped along the way. Remember where I went to school?”

Zac laughed. “Nut. Orbiting Sobek.”

“Discovered by the freighter Atun in 2467, given its name because of its greenish tint.”

“Named after the Ancient Egyptian crocodile god,” Zac said. “And Nut…”

“Goddess of the sky,” I finished. “Our school slogan was ‘You gotta be nuts to go here.”

We both laughed. We stood there in silence for a while and listened to the breeze rustle the leaves and the tall grass. The only thing missing was a moon.

“You think I should stay, don’t you?” Zac said.

“It doesn’t matter what I think,” I said. “I mean, it’s your decision.” We stared at the sky. “Still, it’s a long ways away.”

“Yeah, Zac said. “I was remembering when the ancient Earth explorers used to go from one continent to another. Essentially it was a one-way trip.”

“They couldn’t make calls,” I said. “Or send Electron Notes to each other.”

“Which I will do,” Zac said. “I promise.”

I smiled and stared up at the stars again.

“Pete and I had you conceived on this planet,” I said wistfully. “I always thought you’d stay here.”

“So did I, when I was a kid,” Zac said.

You’re still a kid, I thought. 23 is awfully young.

But there comes a time to let go of your kids. You can raise them as best you can but you have to let them go. He’d be gone in two weeks. Off to his adult life. Best to enjoy the now.

“Look at that!” Zac said pointing. “Bleiler’s Comet. Right to the side of the Cohen Nebula.”

“Almost looks like two comets, side-by-side.” I said.

We stood in the darkness side-by-side.

 

—end—

 

 

 

 

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A Good Cigar. Story for August 13, 2018 Flash Fiction Draw Challenge by Jeff Baker.

NOTE: The three prompt ideas drawn a week ago for ‘Nathan Burgoine’s Monthly Flash Fiction Draw Challenge were  a ghost story, an earring and a tobacco shop. I’ve actually delivered to tobacco shops here in Wichita, and this is what I came up with. (The title is from an ancient and kind of offensive advertising slogan.) 

                       “…But a Good Cigar is a Smoke!”

                                       By Jeff Baker

 

            I lost my job because of the ghost. Before that it was the earring.

            I’d bought the earring for my last boyfriend right before we broke up. I never gave it to him, so I started wearing it myself. I was taking classes in the evening and working part-time in the morning. My boss at the sandwich place I was working at didn’t like the earring and I didn’t like the job, so we came to a mutual parting of the ways. I wasn’t too worried. I got the job at the smoke shop right after that. I knew the manager of the adjoining liquor store so I got the job running the smoke shop in the morning.

            Thanks to the laws of the State of Kansas, things like soda, candy, cigarettes, tobacco and the like can’t be sold in liquor stores, hence a lot of adjoining smoke shops. Mine was about the size of the men’s room in the mall; not too big. Shelves with shot glasses and the like for sale; the candy display; the cooler with sodas; the glass display counter with the electronic cigarettes in it and the register on top, and the cigarettes in cartons and boxes behind me and the walk in humidor with the cigars barely leaving me any room to move around. But the job was easy, the pay was okay and I usually could study when I didn’t have customers. Mr. Villareal didn’t mind that I usually had a textbook open on the counter next to the register. I got there about eight every morning, made sure the place was stocked up, wiped everything down, swept and put my homework on the counter and I was ready to open at nine. I was usually off-work by mid-afternoon, leaving the heavy lifting for the night clerk. But I liked working in the early morning. The Sun would start to come up while I was doing inventory and the orangey light always reminded me of early mornings on summer vacation when I was a kid. Only thing was I usually had to spray to get rid of the smell of cigar smoke, even in a no smoking building.

            If the liquor store was busy, I was busy. Right after we would open we had our regulars who would come in for beer or whiskey or whatever and they’d stop in the smoke shop for cigarettes or munchies. Some of them just off third shift. Some of them going to work. Maybe some of them had already been out drinking all night. One of those asked me for a couple of cigars.

            “Soon as I finish checking this guy out,” I said, punching keys on the register and smiling  at the joke—I was checking the guy out!

            “Naaa, your buddy there in the cigar cooler,” he said.

            I glanced over for a second; had somebody snuck behind the counter? Nope. Nobody. I finished ringing the order up and then got the guy his cigars. After they left, the sudden smell of cigar smoke filled my nostrils. I sneezed. I checked that the humidor was shut tight and then I made sure nobody had dropped a cigar butt on the floor. Nope.

            A week before finals, I got to the smoke shop as usual and did the morning cleaning and stocking, and when I was checking the cash drawer I glanced over at the humidor and saw a dark, shadowy man in a long coat reflected in the glass. I looked around. Nobody. I looked at the humidor again and the shadowy man was gone. I leaned against the counter; I was breathing hard. Trick of the light, I said to myself. Again, the smell of cigar smoke.

            We weren’t that busy that day. I got to study and said “yeah” when the manager asked if I could stay a couple more hours. I didn’t have my Wednesday night class that week and I could use the hours. So I was there when the delivery guy brought in the cases of chips and soda to stock up with.

            “So, you like this job?” the guy said as he was stocking the soda cooler.

            “Yeah,” I said. “It’s okay.”

            “You stayed a lot longer than the other clerks they had here,” he said. “They went through six in the last few months. One guy didn’t even last a day.”

            I was thinking about that when I opened my textbook and started reading again. Then I stopped. Someone had printed, in block letters along the bottom of the page: MYLUNGSBURST

MYLUNGSBURSTMYLUNGSBURSTMYLUNGSBURSTMYLUNGSBURST. In pencil.

            I leafed through the pages; it was there at the bottom of every page. I’d had my eye on the book all day, nobody could have done this.

            The air reeked of cigar smoke.

            I phoned the manager from my car and quit. I left the textbook in the smoke shop.

            I figured it probably smelled like smoke.

 

                                    —end—

Posted in 'Nathan Burgoine, Fantasy, Fiction, Horror, LGBT, Monthly Flash Fiction Draw Challenge, Short-Stories, Uncategorized | 7 Comments

You have a ringside seat for Friday Flash Fics, for August 10, 2018, by Jeff Baker.

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                              Snoopy vs. the Masked Marvel                                 

                                             By Jeff Baker

 

            “Who you got?”

            “I got ten bucks on the big one.”

            “Which one’s the big one?”

            “Look at them! They both are!”

            “Hey, let me in on this!”

            “Still got time, how much you got?”

            “Twenty. On the big one. I used to work with him.”

            “Okay, here they go…I think…”

            “Nope. Just flexing.”

            “I used to wrist wrestle. When I was a kid.”

            “Grade school?”

            “No. High School. In the lunchroom.”

            “With the lunch lady?”

            “No, me and the guys on the team?”

            “Baseball team?”

            “Chess.”

            “Oh.”

            “Hey! There they go!”

            “Wow!”

            “Lookit that!”

            “Man! Look at those muscles!”

            “They’re not moving.”

            “Yeah they are! Look! Look!”

            “Yeah, just barely!”

            “Woa! It’s over! They knocked the beer off the table!”

            “No! It’s still going! His hand didn’t hit the table!”

            “Wow! Lookit them sweat!”

            “This is going to go on for a while!”

            “Yeah, I’m getting a beer!”

            “Get me one too, okay?”

            “Get it yourself!”

            “I’m staying right here, I got money on this!”

            “You’re gonna loose!”

            “Not gonna happen.”

            “Lookit them go! It’s a wonder they don’t break the table!”

            “I told you I did that in High School.”

            “Yeah, yeah.”

            “I gotta start working out.”

 

                        —end—

 

           

Posted in Fiction, Friday Flash Fics, Short-Stories, Uncategorized | 2 Comments