Sixteen Things I Learned During the Big Heat Wave

by Jeff Baker

(August 21, 2022)

1.) Relatives are nothing but trouble, even if they pay you money.

2.) Sometimes, when your Aunt rents out rooms in her big old house, it’s good that she won’t rent one to you.

3.) A cramped, dump of a trailer is better than living with your Mom.

4.) Even when you grew up in Kansas, summer heat can be HOT!

5.) Never give your Mom your phone number.

6.) Don’t let people know you have a pickup truck.

7.) When your Aunt offers you money to go get gasoline, tell her you’re busy.

8.) Sometimes, when you haul a can of gasoline upstairs to the Spanish guy your Aunt rents the room to, you find he’s kind of hot, too.

9.) Some people are crazy enough to have their own gas-powered air-conditioner in their room to keep their room really, really cool. But sane enough to pipe the exhaust outside. (Probably because he’s a doctor.)

10.) If you have the hot girl from work at your place one evening, your Mom and your Aunt will both call.

11.) If you have the hot girl from work at your place one evening, shut off your phone.

12) Be honest about your inability to fix a broken air-conditioner, especially a jury-rigged air-conditioner with the guy in the bathroom swearing in Spanish.

13.) When your Aunt offers you money to go get a lot of ice, say yes.

14.) Strange doctor disappears from your Aunt’s apartment, play dumb when the police come over.

15.) When your Aunt offers you free cable to stay in her freshly-vacated apartment, say yes again.

16.) Sometimes after you mop up the floor of your new apartment, it’s okay to go out and burn the mop. Even during a heat wave.

—end—

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Having done a riff on one of my favorite fantasy writers last week, I decided to do a riff on the other one. Inspired by the current heat wave.