The Offertory Apple

By Jeff Baker

Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom there lived a beautiful girl who had defeated a wicked witch and was living happily ever after. Now the witch had a 25-year-old nephew named Myron, who wasn’t wicked, a witch or even very cool. What Myron was, was very good at chemistry. And so, after the witch was vanquished, Myron received one of the witch’s trunks, the one full of the witch’s recipes. He used one of them to cure his nearsightedness. Unfortunately, the witch’s handwriting was terrible so Myron’s luck with the specific ingredients for the formulas was hit-or-miss. He scrupulously avoided any recipe containing any scrawling that looked like the word “Poison,” but the cure for insomnia backfired horribly when he tried it on himself. Oh, he was alive, just asleep. In fact, he’s still alive. Kissing didn’t bring him out of it, so the family did the next best thing. And they made a nice, tidy pile of money over the last six-hundred years. They charge admission. You can see him yourself this weekend; just have to buy a ticket. Sign outside says the proceeds go for the upkeep on the crystal display case.

But I think placing apples around him is just a little tacky.

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