The Magic Hat Crimes

by Jeff Baker

Author’s Note: The Draws for the (early) June 2024 Flash Fiction Draw Challenge were; a mystery, set in a roomful of hats involving a giant penny. Pure serendipity let me use two characters I’ve written about before and homage something legendary. —–jeff

“Golly! Look at all those hats,” the young man in the cape, mask and tights said.

Compost Boy pointed at the obvious. He and Captain Ecology had tracked the emanations and traces from their stolen property to this abandoned warehouse on the edge of town. But the first floor was a huge room with hats of every description filling the space on the floor and hanging from the walls.

“Careful, Old Buddy,” Captain Ecology said in a grim voice. “Those hats are doubtless booby-trapped.”

A voice rang out from nowhere.

“Yes, you insufferable menaces! Some of those hats are deadly explosives, but the question is which ones? And you’ll have to navigate my roomful of deadly chapeaus to get to me, because there is no other way out!”

There was a metallic clang behind them. The Daring Duo whirled around just in time to see a steel barrier slam down, covering the entrance they had just used.

“I remodeled the warehouse a bit,” the voice said.

“Haberdasher, you’re a fiend!” Captain Ecology said. “In the name of justice I demand you give yourself up!”

“That’s square even for 1973,” Compost Boy muttered.

“You need to get moving,” Haberdasher’s voice called out. “Or I’ll detonate the hats anyway!”

Across the warehouse was an open doorway. Compost Boy sighed. So near, beyond a gauntlet of deadly hats.

“Wait!” Captain Ecology said, pulling out a small device from his flowing cape. “If he’s not booby-trapped every hat it could mean because he’s too cheap. So, he used an inexpensive and non-ecologically friendly explosive. Maybe I can…” He twisted knobs on the device.

Compost boy shook his head. The Ecco serum they had both taken had enhanced their reflexes and intelligence. It also made him, at age 25, a lot better in bed which both the girls and guys appreciated.

“There!” Captain Ecology said, holding the device with its blinking light at arm’s length in front of him.

There was a sputtering and some of the hats in the room gave off sparks and purple smoke. A moment later they flattened like cakes gone bad.

“Golly, Captain Ecology!” Compost Boy said. “It worked!”

“Now we just step over the flattened hats to the next room…no telling whether the other hats have traps as well!” Captain Ecology said as they started to make their way forward.

“Golly, maybe the Haberdasher’s boast was real and he found a magic hat,” Compost Boy said.

“I doubt that but the emanations trail leads to the next room where we’ll doubtless find our stolen trophy.”

The next room was dark, lit by a single spotlight shining on a giant penny standing on one edge.

“There it is!” Compost Boy said ready to rush toward it.

“Hold it, Compost Boy,” Captain Ecology said, “it’s doubtlessly another trap.”

“Right you are, you environmental do-gooders!” The Haberdasher said from his spot in the dimness, the light glinting off his black silk top hat. “I stole your penny and now I’ll steal you with the powers of this magical topper!”

“I doubt that seriously,” Captain Ecology said, tossing a small disc the size of a discus at the giant penny. The disc clamped itself to the ceiling next to the spotlight and the light shone through it becoming a rainbow like a prism. The penny glittered and suddenly there were several giant sections of a penny standing there, some of them distorted like in a fun house mirror.

“Jumping John Tenniel!” Haberdasher swore. “Who will rid me of this turbulent pair?”

“Not us,” Compost Boy said, grabbing Haberdasher by the collar and giving him a good solid right to the jaw.”

“Out like a light,” Captain Ecology said, looking at Haberdasher sprawled on the floor.

“Had to belt him before he could use his magic hat,” Compost Boy said.

“There was no magic,” Captain Ecology said. “Just elaborate trickery. He was able to home in on the only huge copper object shaped like a penny in the area and remotely used the resonator field and distorted the electrons in the light waves around it to make it look invisible. Just like the duplicate penny that was likewise an illusion.” Captain Ecology smiled. “I used the prism setting on the Ecco-Disc to distort the light waves and that drew down the curtain on this illusionist’s illusion.”

—the living end—

—-in memory of Bill Finger and Adam West